I Survived Cancer… So Why Am I Afraid to Go on Vacation?

Let’s plan a vacation!

The sun, the sea, the cuisine, the rest & relaxation!

That is what most people hear when someone says vacation.  That is what I used to hear too!

Until breast cancer…

Let’s plan a vacation!

Okay but where is the nearest hospital? What SPF of sunscreen do I need to pack? Will food poisoning make me think I have cancer again? Is there such a thing as rest and relaxation? I relax better in my home, in my province, where I know the medical doctors are! Oh and how do I get travel insurance?

Yup…racing thoughts now take over and I am more anxious than ever. You hear about people who go on vacation and are perfectly healthy and then the worst thing possible happens.  Well, when you have health issues to begin with (even when considered in remission) it becomes a very scary experience.

I talk about it in my book about going to Italy and falling sick with a cold that I thought may kill me.  I was still in immunotherapy treatment then and honestly I thought at some point those thoughts would disappear over time.

They haven’t.

The thoughts are a tad quieter now but anything can set them off very quickly.

 

Let’s Plan a Vacation… After Cancer

The sun. The sea. The food. The rest.

That’s what I used to hear when someone said “vacation.” It was so exciting! I could hardly wait for the plane to take off!

That’s not what I hear anymore. Oh no.  It has changed dramatically now…

The New Version of “Let’s Go Away”

Let’s plan a vacation.

Sure…okay…yeah…but where is the nearest hospital? Do I have enough sunscreen?
What if I get sick… and it’s not just being sick? What if it is something? What if I don’t feel well and my brain goes right back there?

Then the brain steps in and we are in trouble even more! “Is this actually relaxing?
Or is this just me… in a different place… managing the same thoughts? Oh, and travel insurance.
We need to talk about travel insurance. How much is enough?”

Before vs. After

Before cancer, a trip was simple.

Pick a place. Book a flight. Buy a new bikini. Pack a bag. I am on my way!

Now?

It’s a strategy. It’s research. It’s preparation layered with a quiet kind of fear that doesn’t always announce itself… but is always nearby. Sometimes it waits right until the night before we go and I have to decide if I want to listen to the thoughts that are trying to murder me in my sleep before we go…or just let it go and trust the Universe that I will somehow survive this beautiful vacation we have planned.

How crazy is that?!  Cancer even took the joy out of a trip whether it is spontaneous or even planned now. Ugh…..

Does It Ever Go Away?

I thought that feeling of fear would go away once I was done my treatment and just on tamoxifen. I was hopeful that time would soften it. That distance from treatment would quiet it.

It really hasn’t.

It’s quieter, yes. But it’s still there and honestly, it doesn’t take much to wake it up.

What Travel Looks Like Now

It looks quite different. It looks like excitement… with hesitation.
It looks like planning… with backup plans.
It looks like wanting to go… and questioning if I should. It looks like checking where the nearest hospital is before you check where the best restaurant is. I have gone so far as to Google the possible Doctors at the potential hospitals I may end up at if I get sick to see who they are…I know…just another way to use my love for Google to solve life’s problems!

It also looks like packing medication before outfits. It looks like being prepared in a way I never had to be before!

If This Is You…

If you’re reading this and thinking, this is exactly how I feel, you’re not alone.

Honestly, this part doesn’t get talked about enough. The part where I am “fine”… but not really carefree anymore.

Family and friends who have never gone through a diagnosis may be thinking “What is the big deal?! You are FINE now!”

Nope. We are not.  It takes something to make a trip enjoyable.

So, Let’s Make This Easier

You can still go…But you go differently.

You plan more. You ask more questions. You make sure you have what you need before you leave.

You get the insurance and a good amount of it and you READ the fine print on that insurance! You bring copies of important parts of your medical records and you know where to go if something happens.

Not because something will happen. That would be silly! Of course nothing is going to happen!
But because knowing you can handle it changes everything.

And the thoughts you have been having might come anyway. A headache might feel bigger than it is. A stomach ache might take you somewhere you don’t want to go. Your mind might try to convince you that you’re back there again…

You’re not.

But that doesn’t mean it won’t feel like you are.

Allow yourself to be KIND to yourself and all the thoughts that may come up!

The Shift

You don’t wait for the fear to go away, you just go with it. (That was a really great movie by the way with Jennifer Aniston and Adam Sandler…oops, off topic!)

You acknowledge it. You prepare for it. And then you go anyway!  Because you have already learned that life is short and whether you go ro stay home those thoughts are going to be there and you may as well live it up in Argentina on a beach somewhere than in a place that you feel safe.

To those of you reading this who are the friends, family or caregivers of one of us who have gone through this…consider going on a vacation our way of skydiving. We don’t need to jump from a plane to feel the fear associated with it.  We live with that fear all the time and a change of venue for us can feel like we just made the jump!

So… Should You Go?

Yes. But do it your way.

Maybe it’s shorter trips. Maybe it’s somewhere closer to home. Maybe it’s building in rest time and not trying to do everything.  Maybe it’s simply going somewhere and proving to yourself that you can! Because living in fear and not moving forward is not really living, in my opinion!

My Final Thought

You don’t have to feel completely ready. I know I don’t most times!

You don’t have to feel fearless.  I never do!

You just have to be willing. I always am, even if I need to be pushed out the door sometimes!

Because cancer changes a lot of things…But it doesn’t get to take this too if you are willing to jump. ✈️💛